Sunday, February 26, 2006
LOOKING BACK...MOVING FORWARD
Wow, I haven't been blogging for two years. Things have definitely changed since then. Let's see. I don't exercise like crazy anymore, do more pilates, whenever I get the chance. But I've been working at a physically demanding job like a robot the past year and lost 10 lbs doing so. LOL If I had known earlier, then All I would have done was find employment earlier. LOL.
I've graduated from Anger 101. LOL. WOW that was a lifetime ago. It's amazing at how much a person can change within a year - two years.
I still struggle with my weight, however, I don't obsess over it. There's more things in life to worry about then your weight.
I forgot my blog address, actually I forgot that I even had one until one of my gf's sent me hers. Thanks P!
Reading my blogs has been very insightful to who I was and what I was able to overcome when I gave it all to God. I was harbouring and holding onto my frustrations, obsessions, anger and hurt for so long that it hindered my relationships with my fellow brothers and sisters in Waterloo, and my friends. Yet you all were so faithful. And I thank you for being there.
I miss you all. And I hope and pray that God is blessing you now, and protecting you now in all that you do.
I LOVE YOU!
Wow, I haven't been blogging for two years. Things have definitely changed since then. Let's see. I don't exercise like crazy anymore, do more pilates, whenever I get the chance. But I've been working at a physically demanding job like a robot the past year and lost 10 lbs doing so. LOL If I had known earlier, then All I would have done was find employment earlier. LOL.
I've graduated from Anger 101. LOL. WOW that was a lifetime ago. It's amazing at how much a person can change within a year - two years.
I still struggle with my weight, however, I don't obsess over it. There's more things in life to worry about then your weight.
I forgot my blog address, actually I forgot that I even had one until one of my gf's sent me hers. Thanks P!
Reading my blogs has been very insightful to who I was and what I was able to overcome when I gave it all to God. I was harbouring and holding onto my frustrations, obsessions, anger and hurt for so long that it hindered my relationships with my fellow brothers and sisters in Waterloo, and my friends. Yet you all were so faithful. And I thank you for being there.
I miss you all. And I hope and pray that God is blessing you now, and protecting you now in all that you do.
I LOVE YOU!
Thursday, March 25, 2004
So obssessed with how I look it's disgusting.
But I can't help it.
Why? because I've allowed the media to tell me what is beautiful and what is not.
I dont' know what is beautiful anymore.
What is the perfect body?
What is beautiful?
Is beauty only skin deep?
Should Beauty not be from the heart? the personality of the person? Why do looks even matter? Why am I so obsessed with my appearances?
Why can't I get over it?
I'm so self absorbed it's disgusting.
I want to be happy with myself. But I can't. I don't think I'll ever will.
But I can't help it.
Why? because I've allowed the media to tell me what is beautiful and what is not.
I dont' know what is beautiful anymore.
What is the perfect body?
What is beautiful?
Is beauty only skin deep?
Should Beauty not be from the heart? the personality of the person? Why do looks even matter? Why am I so obsessed with my appearances?
Why can't I get over it?
I'm so self absorbed it's disgusting.
I want to be happy with myself. But I can't. I don't think I'll ever will.
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
Lost
Wanderer
Aimless
LOST
dazed
trying to snap out of it.
but i can't.
I'm lost.
Wanderer
Aimless
LOST
dazed
trying to snap out of it.
but i can't.
I'm lost.
Friday, January 16, 2004
Love is such a weird thing...
Relationships are weird...
Crushes are weird...
I don't get it.
Can someone differentiate these things for me please?
Relationships are weird...
Crushes are weird...
I don't get it.
Can someone differentiate these things for me please?
Monday, December 15, 2003
AHHH my knees!
Ok what was suppose to be a quick stop to the drug store to pick up a pair of knee braces turned into a three hour shopping trip with a couple of my girls. It was still fun though. Looking around at the fashion, trying on different styles of clothes, and buying a pair of needed knee high boots.
It was such a booster to go in and try on clothes, and realizing that I can actually fit in a smaller size. It makes me happy, but...sigh...I really over worked my body by exercising at least an hour five times a week these past four months. My body is so tired.
Ok why am exercising extraneously? I never let what other people think about my figure affect me. But then I reacted to it in the extreme. I was so sick and tired of listening to people say that I'm fat and unattractive that I actually started to believe it. In September I thought that I started to exercise because I wanted to be healthier and stronger physically, but really...I was disgusted with my self and I wanted to change it by any means necessary. I don't have a eating disorder, but I have an exercising disorder. I over exert my body and that isn't too good. Everything must be done in moderation and I must be patient. I do eat a healthy balance meal before exams began. But after I eat junk food, I want to hit the Gym to burn off whatever I just ate. I was going to do that today, but the only thing that was holding me back are my aching knees that are buckling under me whenever I stand or walk for a period of time.
I can not believe that I let society dictate me how I should look. I know that I'm not the only person who does this. Appearance is so hard to overcome, especially when you are not satisfied with how you look, and when you start to believe that you're worth nothing.
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."
PROVERBS 31:30 (NIV)
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his
love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Romans 5:3-5 (NIV)
Ok what was suppose to be a quick stop to the drug store to pick up a pair of knee braces turned into a three hour shopping trip with a couple of my girls. It was still fun though. Looking around at the fashion, trying on different styles of clothes, and buying a pair of needed knee high boots.
It was such a booster to go in and try on clothes, and realizing that I can actually fit in a smaller size. It makes me happy, but...sigh...I really over worked my body by exercising at least an hour five times a week these past four months. My body is so tired.
Ok why am exercising extraneously? I never let what other people think about my figure affect me. But then I reacted to it in the extreme. I was so sick and tired of listening to people say that I'm fat and unattractive that I actually started to believe it. In September I thought that I started to exercise because I wanted to be healthier and stronger physically, but really...I was disgusted with my self and I wanted to change it by any means necessary. I don't have a eating disorder, but I have an exercising disorder. I over exert my body and that isn't too good. Everything must be done in moderation and I must be patient. I do eat a healthy balance meal before exams began. But after I eat junk food, I want to hit the Gym to burn off whatever I just ate. I was going to do that today, but the only thing that was holding me back are my aching knees that are buckling under me whenever I stand or walk for a period of time.
I can not believe that I let society dictate me how I should look. I know that I'm not the only person who does this. Appearance is so hard to overcome, especially when you are not satisfied with how you look, and when you start to believe that you're worth nothing.
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."
PROVERBS 31:30 (NIV)
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his
love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Romans 5:3-5 (NIV)
Sunday, December 14, 2003
Ok, I know that I have a problem with my image when...
1. I burn with anger and hate at myself while I work out.
2. I want to exercise at the gym everyday and get depressed when I don't work out or angry with my self
3. IF I don't work out that day then, I mop and vacuum the floors
4. I work out after eating a heavy meal.
5. I believe that what the media and society considers to be beautiful is the truth
6. I'm overworking my body.
7. I'm obsessed with my body image.
Ok...Positive Attributes of myself to help myself change.
I have been disciplined in working out. I have been trying to eat healthy. My intentional goal was to become healthier.
mm...I'm expressing my feelings instead of bottling them up.
Other Positive outcomes from this whole event...
I've learned more about what friendship is. I've made new friends and my existing friendships have grown even more. No matter what I still depend on God. I've realized that this event is a breaking point for me and from this I will mature as well.
All of this I know will take time and for me to overcome all of this is a day to day basis...I must remember~!! I must be patient!
1. I burn with anger and hate at myself while I work out.
2. I want to exercise at the gym everyday and get depressed when I don't work out or angry with my self
3. IF I don't work out that day then, I mop and vacuum the floors
4. I work out after eating a heavy meal.
5. I believe that what the media and society considers to be beautiful is the truth
6. I'm overworking my body.
7. I'm obsessed with my body image.
Ok...Positive Attributes of myself to help myself change.
I have been disciplined in working out. I have been trying to eat healthy. My intentional goal was to become healthier.
mm...I'm expressing my feelings instead of bottling them up.
Other Positive outcomes from this whole event...
I've learned more about what friendship is. I've made new friends and my existing friendships have grown even more. No matter what I still depend on God. I've realized that this event is a breaking point for me and from this I will mature as well.
All of this I know will take time and for me to overcome all of this is a day to day basis...I must remember~!! I must be patient!
YEAH!
I finished my last exam from hell week! I'm so glad...now I have just one more to go...developmental Psychology...ok...Sleep... I was going to write something else...but my eyelids are falling asleep. I need sleep. Soo I shall sleep.
I finished my last exam from hell week! I'm so glad...now I have just one more to go...developmental Psychology...ok...Sleep... I was going to write something else...but my eyelids are falling asleep. I need sleep. Soo I shall sleep.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
I wish that the tears would stop coming. I'm tired of crying. Tired of being frustrated. Tired of myself. Tired of the way I think of myself. Tired of being selfish. Tired of bottling things up. I think my roommates are tired of hearing me cry.
I should recieve an Oscar for best actress in deception. Don't even know who i am anymore. I always put on a smile for everyone else but myself. At times I do show that I'm angry, hurt, or sad, but not to the actual extent of it. I always let it pass away...I always avert it, and it always comes back in the future to huant me.
Those who I have spoken to, I have frightened by the thoughts that I have been thinking of for a while. As it would be clinically defined...I am passive suicidal...I'm not going to follow through with it. I haven't thought up of a concrete plan of when I would committ suicide, but the ideas come in and linger in my head. And it has been for the past year.
I know that I should be thankful, and that I should learn to accept who i am, but I can't. I always put on a show that everything with me is ok. There are times when I do let people see a part of me when I am hurt, angry, or sad...But I'm always in control. Or at least I was in control. I've reached my breaking point. Where I am unable to control my tears, my anger, and the words that come out of my mouth are filled with anger. My outlook to life is negative. My outlook to myself is negative.
I hate myself! I'm overwieght, lazy, cold, bitchy, ugly, inadequate, a failure, a liar, shallow, envious, a chicken, undisciplined, I give up, stubborn, proud, hateful, bitter, low self esteem, take everything as an attack on me, a BITCH! All the negative compliments I take seriously, even though I try to remind myself that they're just jokes.
I want to Change. I want to love and accept who I am. And if there isn't a characteristic in me that I like then, I want to change it. And I know that this is only done with God's help. So...I pray God that you'd help me to get out of this depression. I want to be able to understand why I am depressed. and I want to stop crying.
I need help in gettting out of this rut. I'm tired of carrying this burden. I'm tired. PERIOD. i don't want to discuss this any further...Just needed to let it out of my head.
Ok, going to start to change my thoughts now. I'm thankful for the awesome, supportive friends that I have. That are here for me. I'm taking a step towards a positive change. I'm turning to GOD and trusting him with this.
Ok...now I can study.
I should recieve an Oscar for best actress in deception. Don't even know who i am anymore. I always put on a smile for everyone else but myself. At times I do show that I'm angry, hurt, or sad, but not to the actual extent of it. I always let it pass away...I always avert it, and it always comes back in the future to huant me.
Those who I have spoken to, I have frightened by the thoughts that I have been thinking of for a while. As it would be clinically defined...I am passive suicidal...I'm not going to follow through with it. I haven't thought up of a concrete plan of when I would committ suicide, but the ideas come in and linger in my head. And it has been for the past year.
I know that I should be thankful, and that I should learn to accept who i am, but I can't. I always put on a show that everything with me is ok. There are times when I do let people see a part of me when I am hurt, angry, or sad...But I'm always in control. Or at least I was in control. I've reached my breaking point. Where I am unable to control my tears, my anger, and the words that come out of my mouth are filled with anger. My outlook to life is negative. My outlook to myself is negative.
I hate myself! I'm overwieght, lazy, cold, bitchy, ugly, inadequate, a failure, a liar, shallow, envious, a chicken, undisciplined, I give up, stubborn, proud, hateful, bitter, low self esteem, take everything as an attack on me, a BITCH! All the negative compliments I take seriously, even though I try to remind myself that they're just jokes.
I want to Change. I want to love and accept who I am. And if there isn't a characteristic in me that I like then, I want to change it. And I know that this is only done with God's help. So...I pray God that you'd help me to get out of this depression. I want to be able to understand why I am depressed. and I want to stop crying.
I need help in gettting out of this rut. I'm tired of carrying this burden. I'm tired. PERIOD. i don't want to discuss this any further...Just needed to let it out of my head.
Ok, going to start to change my thoughts now. I'm thankful for the awesome, supportive friends that I have. That are here for me. I'm taking a step towards a positive change. I'm turning to GOD and trusting him with this.
Ok...now I can study.
